The one thing you need to know about self-care
Everyone is talking about mental health. But are some of us missing the unavoidable truth about caring for ourselves?
If asked the question “do you practice self-care?” you might give it a moments thought before answering “Yes, I do”.
You might be thinking of that run you did yesterday. That you’ve been easing off the vino. The book you read in the park. Or that you’re not eating as much junk these days.
It might make you feel a little angry. It’d be lovely if you had the time to do something for yourself. But you don’t.
You might dismiss the question because you associate it with those evangelical do-gooders always banging on about mental health. After all “What the hell do they know about me anyway?”.
Fitter, happier. More productive.
I found myself in an exciting new job. I cycled every week. Met new people. Tried new things. Gained new skills. Devoured audiobooks in my quest for knowledge. Got healthier. Holidayed. Spent time with the kids, family and friends. Started running. Drank tonnes of water and lost loads of weight. Things were good. I’d never been healthier.
I didn’t do any of this in the name of self-care. But if asked if I practiced it, I would have replied “YES! look at all these marvellous things I am doing for myself”.
But as I was about to discover, I wasn’t really caring for myself.
Why didn’t the things that everyone considers to be self-care work for me?
Mid-life crisis?
I was aware something wasn’t right but I couldn’t read the signs. I was ignoring attempts by my brain to alert me to a problem. Like the numbing headache I’d been putting down to heavy weekends and a dislike of Mondays.
I didn’t experience what you might think of as a breakdown. There was no chair-throwing. No screaming. No crying (well maybe a little crying). I didn’t crumble into a sobbing mass of forty-year-old in the toilets at work. I wasn’t depressed. I didn’t need or want drugs to cheer me up or help manage my emotions.
For me, it felt like I was going to be ill. You know the feeling, when something deep inside lets you know you are about to be sick.
You question that feeling. You go on high alert waiting for a signal from within that all is ok. You try to convince yourself it’s nothing, it will pass if you just calm down for a moment. Deep breath. Ah that’s better. No. Wait. Oh, come on, really? Another deep breath. Ok, good. Looks like you’re going to be fi… Your instincts take over. Your body goes into an oddly comforting auto-pilot. You are not in control anymore. And probably a good thing too, there is no way you could handle this by yourself. At least not by your conscious-self, the you that thinks it’s in control.
I found myself saying that I wasn’t ok and that I needed to sort myself out. And admitting that I had probably needed to for years.
A part of me didn’t have any more to give, so it stopped giving.
Importantly, it wasn’t one thing that had done this to me but a combination of things over time.
A chance to be useful
People, conversations and opportunities relating to my experience started to appear.
I jumped at an opportunity to take part in a workshop, that would allow me to use my own experience to help others.
I joined a group of people at the AmazeRealise office in London, for their annual creative hack day. A pro-bono event to help a deserving cause.
This year we were there to help Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) England reach out to more people.
How can we transform the public’s understanding of self-care?
I sat listening to the conversation unfold, it was fascinating. All these lovely people donating their time to something they care about.
Then it hit me, my own experience had given me a point of view that wasn’t being considered.
What if the public doesn’t have an understanding of self-care. I didn’t before I needed to.
If that’s the case, what are we transforming?
And by transforming it are we admitting it’s flawed when it isn’t, and before some of us are even aware of it. Fixing something before people know it exists, let alone whether it’s broken.
I think the better question is, how do we let everyone know what self-care is and why it’s important?
When you are passionate about something it becomes hard to imagine how other people see it, if they see it at all.
Are we in danger of developing a belief that the ‘public’ only understand self-care in one of two ways?
Those that know it and practice it, and those to whom it feels negative.
If self-care was a person this would make them a narcissist. So self-obsessed that they would be closed-off to the idea that maybe, just maybe, the public hadn’t heard of them.
I think there are more of us that believe we are doing all we can to look after ourselves. But we don’t label those things as self-care. Unless we’re prompted.
Some of us know exactly what we should be doing, but find it hard to do so for many reasons. That doesn’t mean we blame the term.
Many of us don’t hold positive or negative thoughts about it.
What is self-care?
There are 1000’s of articles about self-care. From the neuroscience explaining the need for it. To the 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body & Soul.
If we had time to read that many ‘simple practices’ we wouldn’t have a problem in the first place, right?!
We over-complicate things, we do it with everything. The answer is in the question.
Oxford’s definition: Self-care is the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health.
Or you could say—
Self-care is doing something that makes you feel better.
What’s the benefit of self-care?
It might be helpful to think of your brain as only having limited energy. Which is used up figuring out your life every day.
A bit like your mobile’s battery. If you don’t use it wisely you’ll soon find yourself in need of a recharge. Or worse, you’ll crash out right in the middle of doing something important.
Self-care enables you to make the most of your life, by giving you what you need to do so.
Self-care recharges your mental energy. You will know you are self-caring right when it leaves you feeling content, calm and in control.
Self-care its not a medicine. It’s not something to be prescribed. It’s a preventative measure, like drinking enough water or eating your five a day.
We should all be aware of it, understand why it is important and know how to make the most of it.
Do it for you
Well-meaning people will suggest things for you to try, which is great.
But if you feel pressure to do something and find no enjoyment in it, it’s not self-care.
Yet, sometimes what others recommend and what you end up doing is the same thing. But you have to discover it for yourself on your terms, in your own time.
If YOU enjoy it and it recharges YOU, it’s self-care.
Get inspired, read articles, talk to friends and family. Try lots of things. If it doesn’t work for you, try something else.
Do you have time to drink water?
AmazeRealise conducted a survey to get our creative juices flowing. One stat really got my attention.
Nearly half the people surveyed admitted they felt they didn’t have time for self-care.
That’s like saying you don’t have enough time to drink water.
Are there some of us that believe we don’t have the time to drink enough water? It seems plausible when you know how important self-care is.
How terrifying is that? Believing you don’t have time to do one of the things that keeps you alive.
We need everyone to understand that self-care is as crucial to your health as, well… breathing.
Your Self
So, to benefit from self-care you have to want to do it, whatever ‘it’ is. And it has to make you feel better.
But the one thing you must know before you can truly care for yourself is, your Self.
Oxford’s definition: One’s particular nature or personality; the qualities that make one individual or unique.
This supports the idea that no-one else can prescribe what self-care is for you.
Your Self is unique to you. Others can help you understand it, but only you can truly know it.
To be blunt, if you don’t know your Self you can’t care for it.
You must be Self-aware, before you can self-care
Not being Self-aware was the one thing that eventually caused part of my brain to say enough is enough.
Maybe you are lucky and Self-awareness comes naturally to you. You know what your body is telling you and it’s easy to understand your feelings.
That’s great. All you need to do is make sure you give yourself enough time to listen and understand what you’re being told. Take it seriously and make time for it.
It’s easy… if you know-how
Maybe, Self-awareness doesn’t come easy.
You weren’t taught it at school. Your parents didn’t show you how, they had no idea either.
It wasn’t a conversation that happened in the society you grew up in.
My doctor helped me see what I’d been missing. In a very matter of fact way she told me the headache, the one I had explained away with heavy weekends and a dislike of Mondays. Was in fact “a tension headache, most likely caused by anxiety”.
That sentence triggered a chain of events meaning I’ve not had the headache since. And it made me accept my unavoidable truth, I was suffering from anxiety.
My life changed because I let some people into it. I let them take the time to listen to me and either support me or help me understand what was going on with my Self. If you are reading this, thank you.
But ultimately, it was on me to do the hard work. I had to invest the time and effort to understand what I needed to do for my Self.
Be aware
Be present. Actively think about what you are doing.
Ask yourself how you feel. Are you really ok?
Let your mind wander through worries, stresses or simply day-to-day stuff.
Go on to think about exciting things you’ve got planned or that you’ve always wanted to do.
Enjoy the moment. But know you are enjoying the moment.
You will be surprised at what you solve, how inspired you become and how energised you feel.
Beware the shiny eyes
Be aware of what your body is trying to tell you.
Do you suffer from physical grumbles that you can’t explain, or that you explain away?
Do some situations get your heckles up, or make you want to punch someone in the face?
Do you find yourself wanting to avoid certain situations or people?
Do you ever get stopped dead in your tracks, unable to think clearly enough to react?
Do you find your breath shallows and you roll your eyes when you get an email from you know who?
Do you feel heat, pressure or stinging sensations at the back of your eyes when someone asks you if you are ok? You know you’re not going to cry, but you also know your eyes have gone a bit shinier than normal.
These things are happening because something isn’t right. You need time to recharge and understand why you feel this way.
If you find that you don’t feel better after trying lots of things, it might be time to ask for help.
Let others help your Self
Chat to someone you feel you can open up to.
If you can’t chat to family or friends about this sort of thing, maybe your company recognises the importance of mental health. Speak to your boss to see if they can help.
If you don’t work in a place like this, I would suggest a change of employer might be in order.
But before you hit the job search, have a chat to your doctor or check out the useful content MHFA England are sharing on their Twitter and Instagram accounts. And of course, organisations like Mind and The Mental Health Foundation have a wealth of guidance on their sites.
If you are an employer interested in the mental health of your people. Make sure you get in touch with MHFA England who can help you get it right.
My self
I still get anxious. I am as I publish this. But I know I am, that’s the difference. I can now spot it and deal with it.
At the time of writing I still haven’t had that headache. I feel it coming sometimes so I do what I need to. I make my self feel better.
It’s not easy. It takes effort to be this aware. But it pays off big time.
I am no better or worse at this than anyone else. I’ve simply realised something that I didn’t know before. I now know to listen for signals from my body. And what to do when I hear them.
I know what recharges my self. And what doesn’t. I know what to give a damn about. And what not to.
I hope that if you don’t already, you’ll make some time to care for your self.
You will need practice and maybe a helping hand along the way.
Most importantly, you’ll need to accept that sometimes it’s ok to be selfish.
In fact, you’ll need to be.
